Pondering COVID-19 and how suddenly death can happen – an inspired poem

When you hear about death, do you ever worry that you might die, when you feel you still have more to get done in this life? As the death numbers have crept up over the last few months, I’ve thought about that a lot.

I am not scared of dying, but the idea of dying, when I feel like I haven’t been able to make enough of a contribution to the world to justify my existence as being meaningful and valuable to our common good, makes me think that if I did die suddenly, my spirit self (or for those of you who don’t beleive, my concious, in that split-second before my brain shut off) would be really frustrated that I didn’t have a chance to get more done.

I have ADHD, one of the symptoms of which is that when I feel emotions, I tend to feel them very strongly. When I am passionate about something (which is often) my voice gets louder, which can be off putting to some people. I have to try really hard and pay a lot of attention, to manage this when doing public speaking, or just interacting with people who don’t know me well and can’t handle the full wattage of my personality.

Sometimes, trying to do good can be really exhausting. It’s often a lot of effort with little tangible reward. I was feeling that exhaustion, but also dwelling in a place of thankfulness for having loved ones who support my efforts.

With that in mind, I wrote these song lyrics/poem (yes, another song in my head that you’re only seeing in poem form, sorry), pondering a life cut off too short, my passion, spirit, and ideas: a flame, blown out too soon, before it could spread. I want to be a good kind of virus. One that can positively infect people to be better people, themselves. To do more good. To express love and kindness more. Etc.

In my head, I’m imagining it in a Adelle or Meghan Trainor kind of voice/lyrical style (a serious Meghan Trainor, that is). They both do great lyrics…

If you prefer poems over songs, you can skip over the choruses…

Here is:

A Match In Flames

(c) Alice Vo Edwards, 5/9/2020 v1

Sometimes I worry that I burn too bright
I’ll burn out fast; My light won’t last
So full of passion that it overflows
Yet no one sees me, no one knows

A single match has just a little time
To light a fire, to spread its’ spark
The limit’s set, no turning back the clock
Just a few more moments ‘til the stage goes dark

(Chorus)
And I can’t go silent, I can’t stay quiet
It’d be so much easier if I could
I have to keep trying, I can’t deny it
Something inside me keeps crying out

There’s a soul deep yearning, for acceptance, for belonging
Longing so to find, another of my kind
So I strike that match, trying so hard to be seen
Will they finally notice me?

Cause No other drug fulfills,
Or can give me the same thill
No, Nothing else satisfies
Like acceptance in their eyes

(Chorus)
And so I can’t go silent, I can’t stay quiet
Gonna hold this torch until the flame burns out
I have to keep trying, I can’t deny it
Something inside me keeps crying out

Can’t they see? Not the forest, but this tree?
I feel so lost among the crowd,
Alone, and yet, not standing out

My only solace is your grace
Your love a tangible home base
I don’t think you ever realize
How much you give me with your eyes

(Chorus)
No I can’t go silent, I can’t stay quiet
Gonna hold this torch until the flame burns out
I have to keep trying, I can’t deny it
Something inside me keeps crying out

While I’m becoming, it’s hard to be
Still too entangled to be free
But when I look into your eyes
It’s like you open up the skies

If I’m a kite than you’re my string
Your love, my source of buffering
You ground me, yet, your tether gives
Your love, strung out, that I might live

(Chorus)
Oh… I can’t go silent, I can’t stay quiet
Gonna hold this torch until the flame burns out
I have to keep trying, I can’t deny it
Something inside me keeps crying out

You think I only want your kiss
Not knowing how much better is
That moment when your gaze meets mine
When souls, near tangibly, entwine

And though the world is less than fair
Your love’s enough that I can dare
To brave its storms another time
For those who cannot, I’ll survive

(Chorus)
So I won’t go silent, I won’t stay quiet
Gonna hold this torch until the flame burns out
I have to keep trying, I can’t deny it
Something inside me keeps crying out

If I burn out, it’s what will be
But I won’t go out silently
I’ll pass the spark to all who see
So they can carry on-a piece of me